When the courtship stages take their predictable route and end up in marriage, it is but natural to presume that the happy times will continue to roll on. In some cases they do. But in some other cases, the mask of gentility and love begins to slip away very soon, and the beast within begins to emerge. And not necessarily only on nights of the full moon or the eclipses. The husband or intimate partner begins to reveal a side of his personality which he had so carefully hidden during those wonderful courtship days, which if the then-fiancee-and-now-wife/intimate-partner were to know then, she would have run away! And thus begins a saga of what is nowadays euphemistically called "Intimate Partner Violence", IPV for short.
Like the swine flu, IPV does not discriminate against race or skin-color, and affects wives and intimate partners across all cultures and continents with equal impartiality. A study conducted in ten countries covered 24,000 women, and the reasons that emerged give a peek into the spectrum of the wife-beater's psychopathology: from physically forcing sexual intercourse to insisting on knowing where she was at all times to getting angry because she spoke to another man to demanding more dowry to .... In fact, an entire journal dedicated exclusively to IPV is now in its fifteenth year of publication in 2009: Violence Against Women: An International and Interdisciplinary Journal.
'Violence Against Women: An International and Interdisciplinary Journal' - brought out by Sage Publications.
And to think that the husbands project such a genteel, civilized image of themselves when out of the house! The friendly wave to the neighbors and the chitchat with the colleagues, the staring at the floor while being given the dressing-down by the boss - it is hard to imagine what comes over him when he returns to the house and to the wife.
Another pattern that has been consistently found is that the beastly streak comes out in its full force when the wife is pregnant. It is a mystery that has baffled sociologists, psychologists and mental health researchers alike. The sight of the progressively swelling abdomen stirs something in the male soul. Intellectuals brush aside the idea that the increased incidence of violence during pregnancy is due to frustration arising out of limited sexual intercourse opportunities. After all, the male ego gets a huge boost as the crown of fatherhood is the best possible evidence of his virility, so possible pregnancy termination due to violence will actually puncture the balloon, will it not? Then, why? Does the male choose to use the three trimesters to assert himself, to re-proclaim his control over the relationship, and to remind the woman of her dependency on him during those emotionally vulnerable times? Or is it simply that it is only when women happen to visit healthcare centers for their routine pregnancy checkup that IPV incidentally comes to light, which otherwise would have remained hidden?
Depending on the culture they are embedded in, women themselves consider violence as an accepted part of married life. In fact, if the day passes by without assault, they worry and fuss over the poor husband, wondering if he is unwell or down with the flu or something. There is certain "learned helplessness" about these battered wives which prevents them from seeking legal redress or counsel. And it certainly doesn't help when the laws of the country do not have any provision for reporting and handling of IPV specifically. It is no surprise, therefore to find women being kicked around by husbands. And to find the women wrap themselves around the same legs that kicked them, begging to be "forgiven", promising that they will be "sweet" and do their "Master's bidding".
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The Battered Woman: Lenore E. Walker, Amazon.com. The phrase "learned helplessness" comes from this book.
There must be something in the male DNA, the portion that is the 'Y', which defines the male make-up, and which drives him to behave the way he does with the wife / intimate partner. If this something can be detected in advance, a helluva lot of problems can be solved before they crop up. If only governments would set aside some funds for scientists to come up with male-centric tests for the man who is in the market for marriage. There are two suggestions for these tests. One test will give a "PIPV Rating", short for "Proneness to Intimate Partner Violence Rating" which will have a scale from 0 to 10. A 0 (Zero) will indicate a genteel personality, who will not even raise their voice, let alone their hand-or-leg-or-whatever, in anger. A 10 will mean a RED ALERT marker, to STAY AWAY!!! The man may be good only for romance, but is definitely not husband material.
And the second test will give a "PVDP Rating", which is short for "Proneness to Violence During Pregnancy", which too will be on a scale from 0 to 10. A 0 (Zero) will indicate a loving, caring personality that will remain angelic throughout the three trimesters and keep his beastliness under control. A 10 rating will mean a RED ALERT, to STAY AWAY from him the moment the doctor declares that you are pregnant or when the abdomen starts swelling. Or better still, don't marry him at all and go find a better husband if it is your dream to have a large brood for yourself.
Once these two tests come in the market, ladies, then before you swoon and loose your control at the sight of your man kneeling down before you and holding your hand asking whether you will marry him... before you say yes, do yourself a favor, control yourself and ask that you be shown the lab report on these two tests first.
Taking this hyper-imaginative thread further, when these tests do come to the market, dating sites will have two additional fields which male users will be required to fill - "PIPV Rating:" and "PVDP Rating:". And when a relationship begins heating up, females will doubtless peek into these values, and if they are not filled, discreetly ask the other party why they are not filled.
Till that time comes when these and other such tests become commonplace, keep your fingers crossed and pray that the man you are tying the knot with will keep his beastly urges in check both when you are carrying and also when you are not.
[Some people enter into a marriage with love in their heart and dreams in their eyes, and then there are others who do so with reluctance driven by circumstances. While you are pondering this, here is another article that uses this theme to talk about the inner conflicts that wreck havoc in us, and urges us to resolve them at the earliest: "Resolving Inner Conflicts". Read and reflect!]
If you belong to the happily/unhappily married tribe, just sit back and tick on the thoughts that cross your mind, from the list below of marriage-related messages that marriage counselors get as the cause of the problems for their senders:
- My spouse has lost his / her libido. He/she is a flop in bed. He / she is not interested in sex anymore. - I no longer find him / her attractive. I am not aroused by him / her. - He / she has gained a lot of weight and I found ourselves an incongruous pair - thoroughly incompatible in bed or out of it. - He / she had {some medical problem}, and ever since, spends most of his / her time groaning in pain. Ever since, I am having to take good care of him / her, from my own earnings. I now completely support her, so the relationship is a drain on my account. He / she has stopped earning because of the illness, of course. - My marriage sucks. If I had known things would shape up as they have today, I would have run away from the marriage ceremony!
The marriage sucks. It sucks because the spouse who was very functional, very attractive and very charming on the wedding day has now become, uh, dysfunctional and unattractive and ugly. Either his / her sex organ is not in the same tip-top condition it was on the honeymoon night, or his / her rest-of-the-body has developed defects, making him / her now a liability.
I don't suggest them to go recall the marriage vows. But I definitely suggest that they shed some of their selfishness. The spouse is not just another "utility item" in the household with an expiry date stamped on it. Once it starts sputtering and stuttering, you start looking for substitutes. Or take on that sacrificial look.
The spouse is not any business transaction, which you approach with a "What's In It For Me?" attitude. So there are exit clauses when the other party "defaults" or "fails to deliver" or whatever.
I suggest them to put themselves in the "dysfunctional" spouse's shoes. And for a brief moment, visualize that they are facing the problem that the spouse is facing. And now visualize how they would like to be treated by the spouse. "Whatsoever thou wouldst that men should not do unto thee, do not do unto them." If there is any classic example where this "ultimate moral principle" is applicable, it is conjugal relationship.
When the spouse is in some bad shape, what they want is your understanding and love and affection. Not your continuous low-intensity scorn and taunt and whatever torture you give them, intentionally or unintentionally.
Don't dump the spouse because he / she is not useful any more. Remember, you too could be in the same / worse shape a few years down the road, who knows!
The Love Potion Song There's this song written by Jerry Leiber and Mike Stoller in 1959, and sung by the Clovers. The song describes a gypsy named Madam Ruth, who runs her shop selling potions at Thirty-Fourth and Vine. The singer walks up to her with the complaint that he is a "flop with chicks". The lady studies his hand, and prescribes him "Love Potion Number Nine". And the liquid that he drinks... turns him into a kisser of everything that comes in his way! Until a cop breaks his reverie.
Amortentia Then there is Professor Horace Slughorn, Potions Master and teacher at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. The strongest love potion in the world, according to the good professor, is Amortentia. This potion has "a distinctive mother-of-pearl sheen", and its steam rises "in characteristic spirals". The potion has a unique ability to smell differently to everybody, according to what in their inherent nature attracts them.
Sigh. If only one could lay one's hands on the number nine potion, or this Amortentia thing!
Finding Love: Reality Angle That the world is desperately in need of the Love Potion Number Nine or Harry Potter's Amortentia is evident from the failures and frustrations and disappointments that seekers of love face. You meet some guy or gal, there is an initial spark, you think you found the one you were looking for, and rush in to tie the knot. But alas! The knot proves too weak for quite a few.
Why does it happen? Why is it that some individuals enjoy relationships that last a lifetime, while others simply lurch from one relationship to another?
The boy or the girl who said "I Do" in those 50% cases, or the grown-ups who said the same thing in 67% and later in 74% cases: what did they see in their partner? Obviously, there was something wrong about the choice they made. Disillusionment sets in once the short-term magic of holding hands and whispering sweet-nothings wears off, the honeymoon is over, and reality of marriage kicks in. Aaaah, where is the love potion no. 9, where is the bottle of Amortentia to keep those love bubbles going?
The problem is with that initial spark, I think. It is the skip of the heartbeat upon seeing someone, which gives you a high, and lulls you into thinking that you have found your love at long last. Why did you get the wrong spark, the wrong signal, in the first place, when it was predestined to doom-dom? Why didn't your sixth sense, your instinct, your hunch, give you the right information in the first place?
In my opinion, this happens because of some fault in the way our personality is constructed. This fault could manifest itself in the form of a false self-image that we build for ourselves that is totally different from what we at our core, really are. We then go around hunting for a partner who is compatible with that false self-image, and not with our true self.
It works both ways: the universe pushes towards us an individual who has the same fault in their personality that is compatible with our fault. As if automatically, the individual who matches our personality, fault et al, walks into our life. The Law of Attraction plays out. If the "I Do" happens, then so does the divorce. Because, like all falsities, our core personality rebels at any union that does not gel with itself. And we keep hip-hopping from one relationship to another... desperately seeking that happy union which appears ever-elusive...
Ever tried mixing kerosene with water? See how the two liquids separate themselves in the beaker after a while, no matter how rigorously you may have stirred the mixture? The principle is the same - whether it is immiscible liquids or immiscible relationships.
A Self-Dev Solution So is there a way to rectify the fault in our personality? Can we straighten out the kinks so that the next time we step out, we are sure and certain that we will meet only the person who is just right for us? And not somebody who will turn out to be yet another disappointment?
One very good technique is to hone up that sixth sense. That very same instinct, that very same hunch, which comes into play when you are sizing up the person before you. And this is possible through a lot of introspection, carried out through a lot of meditation. Now I don't suggest that you shave your head and go to the monasteries. You can do this introspection, and some light meditation even while you are travelling in your daily tube or bus or whatever.
If you happen to be using the computer for good number of hours everyday, here is one very good solution to come to terms with your core: The Subliminal Power software. Here is the link: http://www.short10.com/?c=bvis-subliminal. This software costs USD 39.95. It installs on your computer, and you can configure it to your requirements. There are several built-in scripts that come with the product. While you can select "Men's Stuff - Become a Total Woman Magnet" or "Women's Stuff - Become a Total Man Magnet" (don't go by the commercial lingo used here, the product is really serious), you can of course devise your own scripts.
Try it. Understand your core. Understand yourself. And then seek for the right person in your life. The universe has designed one especially and exclusively for you out there, waiting just for you.
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